How to Hypnotize a Chicken

(Okay, this has nothing to do with parenting, but it's an old article I wrote that makes me giggle. I thought it might make you giggle too. I assure you it's meant purely tongue in cheek. Or beak...)

I was cruising Themestream a few minutes ago and happened upon an article about useless information. The author was bemoaning all the nonsense that was poured into her head at the expense of really important things over the years. She had a point. Really, we do learn an awful lot of junk as time goes by.

But nonetheless, I'm here to argue on behalf of useless information.

I recently learned how to hypnotize a chicken. And admit it--you saw the title and you wanted to know how to hypnotize a chicken too! Because deep down, not only is useless information more fun than the practical stuff, it also .... well, maybe that's the only reason it's better. But it's enough!

Okay, now I have a confession. I *mostly* know how to hypnotize a chicken but I didn't pay that close of attention. I didn't know I'd be teaching it later, so parts may be a bit rusty. You may have to experiment on your chicken several times to get it just right. Try to find a mellow chicken for this. Perhaps you should get it some treats for after. That's fair.

So.... you get your chicken and you hold it upside down and put it on its back on the ground. Then you draw a line from its beak out in the sand, and that will get its attention focused on your finger and the line. It will go into a trance, I swear. I saw it on the Discovery Channel and they don't make this stuff up. It has something to do with eagles flying overhead and playing dead. But I'm not sure what because I was making supper while watching. Sorry.

I really wanted to teach you better how to hypnotize a chicken, so I even dashed downstairs and hollered to my husband "Okay! How exactly do you hypnotize a chicken again? How long do you have to draw the line? What does it have to do with eagles again? Do you remember?".

My husband gave me the fish-eye and half grinned. He told me, "Days. You hold them on their backs for days and eventually they'll just stay there." He's no help at all.

And of course you wouldn't do that because you absolutely cannot use anything I say to harm any poor chickens. This must be done absolutely nicely! No harming of chickens, do you hear me? You be nice.

Anyway, I'm afraid I only half told you how to hypnotize a chicken, and there will probably be dazed but fully conscious chickens wandering around backyards all over the US thanks to me. Or maybe one. I doubt too many people are going to reading this, after all.

But the point is, you should! Yeah, we need to know who wrote the Declaration of Independence and when to use an apostrophe in its, but more than that we need to know how to love to learn and how to totally entertain people at cocktail parties. Do you think folks who use apostrophes right are the hit of cocktail parties? Nope. It's those of us who can hypnotize chickens, every time.

And those of us with cleavage. But that's another story.


To the Article Index

All works on this site Alicia Bayer unless otherwise noted.
Don't take it - that would be rude.